Enjoy the Whole Spectrum of Hilarious Products from Banana Slicer to Unicorn Meat
Amazon is undoubtedly the largest online retailer in the world with hundreds of millions products for sale. One of the reasons why Amazon has been so popular are helpful reviews accompanying every product. Customers make more informed decisions based on the comments, but also they are allowed to vote for the best (read most hilarious) reviews. In this post we collected the funniest (the craziest?) reviews you can possibly find on Amazon.
1.Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!
By SW3K on March 3, 2011
“For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.”
Saved my marriage
By Mrs Toledo on July 30, 2012
“What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!”
Angle is wrong
By Jim Anderson on August 1, 2012
“I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”
2.Accoutrements Horse Head Mask
By Ian on October 23, 2011
“The biggest question I get asked is, “Why do you have that?” I simply reply, “Why don’t you have one” and the gallop away and eat some grass.”
Great for Halloween.
By HIJKay on July 16, 2011
“I absolutely loved this! Last year I dressed as Sarah Jessica Parker for Halloween, and this really helped pull my costume together. I’m really glad I was able to find it! I won the best costume contest at my work. :)”
My Transformation is Complete
By ByronicHero on December 3, 2012
“It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… But we will be ready”
They called me crazy, but who’s the giant horse now?!
By R.L.R. on November 5, 2010
“This mask imbues the wearer with super-human abilities. The power to make everyone around you feel akward and uncomfortable being first among them. After wearing the mask for several days my identity was consumed and replaced. There is only the horse now. Best purchase I ever made.”
Saved My Life
By John Neal on July 21, 2011
“When I turned State’s Witness, they didn’t have enough money to put me in the Witness Protection Program, so they bought me this mask and gave me a list of suggested places to move. Since then I’ve lived my life in peace and safety knowing that my old identity is forever obscured by this life-saving item.”
3.The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
By Amazon Customer on November 10, 2008
Size: Boys 2-4 Color: Dark Green
“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.”
Howl at the Heavens!
By George Takei on April 24, 2013
“This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn’t walk through the aisles at Wal-Mart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course, without people pointing and saying, “Hey, you’re that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren’t you?” Even if I wore sunglasses, I’d still get mistaken for Yoko Ono.
But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, “Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He’s sooooooo dreamy.”
Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is.”
Great compliment for my skin art
By overlook1977 on May 19, 2009
“Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.”
4.BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen, 1.0mm, Black, 16ct (MSLP16-Blk)
By Tracy Hamilton on August 24, 2012
“Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I’m swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It’s comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I’ve begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I’m writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson’s last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I’m positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.
Where has this pen been all my life???”
Great fit, but I have a question….
By Courtney on August 28, 2012
“I see this comes in a sleek design. But as a “full-figured” woman, do these pens come in “curvy and carefree”?”
5.Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk, Gallon, 128 oz
By J. Fitzsimmons on August 5, 2006
“Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”
By biggestbamboo on August 10, 2006
“This product copiously leaks out of my nose whenever I read these reviews.”
Make this your only stock and store
By Edgar on July 8, 2008
“Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door –
Only this, and nothing more.’
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore –
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore –
Purg’ed here for evermore.
And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door –
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door –
I resolved to have some more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle – here I opened wide the door; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of many Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, ‘No more!’
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core –
Merely this and nothing more.
Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, ‘surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’
From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor –
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o’er my dining floor –
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.
Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, ’til I said, ‘Well, hello, kitty!’
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, ‘Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!’
Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.’”
By Jammer on July 17, 2014
“Magic stuff. Been taking 1 spoon a day for 3 weeks. I can now type this review using all 12 fingers.”
I left this product next to my pet lizard, …
By Lawrence Gonzalez on August 23, 2014
“I left this product next to my pet lizard, unfortunately now he’s 350ft tall now and is currently destroying Tokyo, Japan.”
7.Think Geek Canned Unicorn Meat
By mark e on June 13, 2013
“I was pleasantly surprised by the unicorn meat, even though canned. it is more tender than the centaur i’ve had, and far less stringy than faun.
my only concern is that after feeding it to my infant son, his diaper was filled with skittles.”
ByRafal Mroczekon February 14, 2016
“Don’t recommend although good didn’t stop pooping rainbows for a week”
By “Halo” on June 18, 2011
“Of course this isn’t as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days?
I’m a busy professional so I don’t have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh ‘corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights.
But seriously, this is a great, funny and ‘tasteful’ gag gift. We received ours from a relative last Christmas and as it was unwrapped everyone burst out in laughter when we saw what it was. The unicorn meat comes in a Spam-shaped can, complete with funny but realistic product information on the side labels.
This gift was enjoyable enough as it was, but then my wife pointed out that the can lid can be pried off to reveal plush unicorn ‘parts’ inside. Very clever and a great deal of fun for the price. I’m going to be giving a few out to co-workers this Christmas.”